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“Oh wow, you’re having another baby?” That was the question I got every time anyone saw me pregnant last year. My response was always the same, “Yes, but it’s not mine… I’m a surrogate!”. The reactions I got were my favorite! It was usually one of two, pure shock or utter confusion. What I loved most about people asking me this question, was that it opened the door for me to share my story and to remove some of the negative stigma that surrounds surrogacy.
Why I Wanted to be a Surrogate
A lot of people ask why I wanted to be a surrogate, and truth be told, I don’t know if there is just one reason or one moment in my life that led me here. What I do know, is always talking to people about how amazing it would be to help build another family. Even as a young adult, I recall talking to my friends about the idea! Most of my friends thought I was out of my mind, especially since I’d never even been pregnant before. When I met my husband at 18 years old, we always talked about starting our own family, and I told him about my dreams of being a surrogate. When we got married, we wanted to wait a few years before having kids. But life had other plans and we welcomed our daughter just one month before our first wedding anniversary. Three years later, we welcomed our son. We thought we’d have more than two kids, but once our son was born, we knew our family was complete.
As the years passed and we were no longer in the craziness of raising two toddlers, I began to miss that feeling of being pregnant. I enjoyed my pregnancies so much! They were easy, I never got sick, and feeling those little kicks was so joyous! I was sad that I would never experience that feeling again, even more sad knowing there were so many families that may never have the opportunity of knowing the joy of starting a family. Then March 2020 happened. As we sat in quarantine for what felt like months on end, all I could think was how lucky we had been. We never had to wonder if we’d be able to have a family of our own. Never had to worry about the financial burdens of expensive fertility treatments. Never suffered a miscarriage or unsuccessful IUI or IVF procedure. We were one of the lucky ones. If covid brought anything good, it was the reminder of how short life is and that we should do what we can to help others. My thoughts brought me back to surrogacy and I began to do my research.
Finding an Agency
I took a few weeks looking into different options. Originally, I thought I would carry for a family member or friend. The ones I knew that needed a surrogate though decided on different avenues to complete their families, so I started researching surrogacy agencies. I knew I wanted to find one that was reputable but also didn’t just see me as a number. I wanted a company that was going to walk alongside me every step of the way and make sure that me and my family were protected in all areas, emotionally, mentally, legally & financially. The financial compensation was never my motivation to pursue surrogacy, it was a bonus. So, when researching, I tended to steer away from the ones that used “highest compensation” or “we pay more” as their main marketing driver. There is nothing wrong with having compensation as your main reason to take on a surrogate journey, it just wasn’t mine and I wanted an agency that matched my own priorities.
After looking at three different agencies, I settled on ConceiveAbilities. From the moment I clicked on their website, it felt different than the rest. They had so many resources, more than I could have hoped for. From surrogate testimonials to countless videos outlining the surrogacy journey. I filled out my application but didn’t hit submit right away. I needed to bring surrogacy back into conversation with my husband. At first, he wasn’t completely onboard, which was understandable. The world was falling apart, we were homeschooling a 3rd & 1st grader and there was the unknown of what surrogacy would do to our marriage. Knowing his hesitations, I couldn’t submit my application until I knew he was 100% onboard. We spoke with a previous surrogate and her husband and heard their journey. It filled my heart with so much joy hearing her experience and it eased my husband’s concerns hearing her husbands. The next day, I hit submit!
Screening & Matching with Intended Parents
The screening process to be a surrogate is thorough. From the initial intake call to getting my past pregnancy records and our mental health evaluation, it took about three months. By September 2020, I was officially approved to be a surrogate! All we had to do was wait for a potential match.
October 2020, I got the email that there was a potential match. Attached was a letter from the intended Parents, “IP’s”. The letter talked about who they were and their fertility journey. The Intended Mother & Intended Father had been trying for years to build their family. My heart broke for them. My husband and I both agreed that we wanted to meet them and see if it was a good fit. A virtual meeting was set up for the four of us to meet and get to know one another. My nerves were all over the place! Would they think I was the right person to carry their child? We discussed so much on this call, starting by getting to know each other’s backgrounds and what brought us all to surrogacy. Then we got into the more difficult topics like our termination views if there were abnormalities and who would be in the delivery room. The minute we met them; we all knew it was the perfect match! We all agreed we wanted to work together right on the call.
Telling Our Kids
We agreed we wouldn’t tell the kids about our journey until we were matched with IP’s. It was going to be a tricky conversation and wanted to be able to put a face to the family that we were going to be helping. At the time, our daughter was 10 and our son was 7. My husband and I wanted to create an open conversation with them, let them ask as many questions as they needed and let them know that they were just as much a part of this journey as I was. We wanted them to know that this was something we were doing as a family and that their support meant everything to me. I bought a book “My Mom is a Surrogate” by Abigail Glass and Ann Diamond. The book does a beautiful job at explaining what a surrogate is and how, as a family, we would be helping build another family. They were both weirded out at first, and said “no way”. I didn’t blame them, most adults thought it was weird, how could I expect them to understand the magnitude of what this meant. We let them know that it was going to be several months before mommy would even be pregnant and that we would continue talking about it until they were comfortable with it. Eventually, it became “less weird”, and they started getting excited about the process and meeting our IP’s.
The Start of the Process
Once we were matched, there were several steps that had to take place before we could get to embryo transfer. First, I had to be medically cleared by my IP’s IVF clinic. Both my husband and I had to travel to the clinic for our medical work up. I did some blood work, and a few other tests to make sure my body was in tip top shape to carry a child. My husband also did some blood work to screen for STD’s & drugs.
Once all the results were back, I was medically cleared, and we moved onto the legal phase. Working with a reputable agency, I knew my rights would be protected and that I wouldn’t be pressured into anything that I didn’t agree to. Both sides were set up with a lawyer that specialized in surrogacy law in Florida, since this is where the baby would be delivered. The contract was over 40 pages long and it covered EVERYTHING you could imagine and then some. The contract clearly outlined the parentage rights of the IP’s and that my husband and I were in no way responsible for the baby once it was born. It covered what would happen if I went on bed rest, or worse, lost an organ or in the rare event, my life. I was set up with a life insurance policy & and a living will. After a few tweaks by each side, we signed the contract, and we were ready for embryo transfer clearance!
Documenting My Journey
A few weeks after we signed our contract, the fertility clinic gave us final clearance and sent me my medication calendar. Being a surrogate meant I had to undergo the full IVF process, injections, and all. At this point, I decided I wanted to start sharing my journey with the public. In hindsight, I wish I had started sooner! I created a separate Instagram account, @Surrogacy_Diaries and started sharing my story. The purpose of my account was to share all the ups and downs of a surrogate journey. I didn’t want to be one of those accounts that made everything look like sunshine and rainbows. I knew there were going to be hard moments, that’s life! I wanted to be real and raw and be able to share my experiences with others, and if in the process I inspired other women to become surrogates, then hey! it would be a win win!
Making Surrogacy a Part of My Everyday Life
A week or so after I delivered, a woman contacted me via DM interested in more information. She told me my story inspired her, I couldn’t believe it, what I had set out to do was coming true! Talking to her about my journey and answering her questions, I knew I wanted to continue to do that. A month later, ConceiveAbilities reached out to me and offered me a job on the Surrogate Acceptance team. I would be the first point of contact for women interested in surrogacy. I never imagined a career in family building, but it just felt right! I left my career in the cruise industry of 10 years and set out to pursue this new passion! Every morning I get to wake up and walk other women on the first steps of this incredible journey they are embarking on. I support them, answer all their questions & guide them through the screening process. I feel lucky to have been able to carry a child for another family, and even more lucky to help build more families every day!
Have you ever thought about how you could make a difference in another family’s life? If you are interested in learning more and helping someone else’s dream of building a family come true, I would love to talk with you.
