Erica Becker It starts with two pink lines. I’ve taken test after test, and when my eyes finally see those two pink lines, I swear I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. Such a tiny piece of plastic felt so heavy in my hands. To me, it signified a life. A life I so desperately wanted to hold. My mind starts to wander and I begin to imagine who this baby will be. What will her eyes look like? Will she have my curly hair? I think my mama instincts must already be kicking in because I thought “her” first. My hand rests upon my belly and I relish in the fact that I’m pregnant.
“There’s no heartbeat.”
I relive this moment a lot in my head. I used to think about if the appointment went differently, and the doctor said the baby had a strong heartbeat. I imagine how it would feel to walk out of the office happy, instead of numb. I think about walking hand in hand with my husband as we gush over our sonogram picture, but all I remember is that I left the office empty handed. I had nothing to hold.
My doctor had told my husband and I to start trying again one month after our miscarriage. In just three short months, we were pregnant – again looking at those two beautiful pink lines. The happiness was overwhelming! We were excited and elated and we couldn’t stop smiling – but soon those feelings started to pass. Just yesterday I was mourning a loss I thought I would never get over, now suddenly I’m overflowing with joy. Was I wrong to feel this way?
Pregnancy after loss is such a rollercoaster of emotions. I had gone from absolute heartbreak to complete euphoria in such a short amount of time. I found that although I was thrilled to be expecting again, I still needed to allow myself to grieve over the baby we had lost.
Finding Support
Pregnancy is such a special season of a woman’s life, but if you’ve experienced a previous loss, it comes with a magnitude of conflicting emotions. You can feel joy and grief simultaneously and that can be a tough process to navigate. I think it’s important to acknowledge everything you are feeling. Talking about my miscarriage while pregnant with my son was something that helped ease my anxieties. Talk to your spouse or a close family member, write in a journal, seek out support groups online, or talk with a professional. One out of four women experience pregnancy loss. You are not alone.
If you are looking for support, visit Rachel’s Gift Support Groups
Celebrate the Milestones
For some pregnant women, going to the doctor to check on their baby is an easy task, but for women who have experienced loss in the past, it can be filled with a lot of fear and anxiety. At every ultrasound, I would hold my breath until I heard my babies heartbeat. Something I found helpful was to celebrate the milestones. When we got through our first trimester, we took pictures announcing our pregnancy with colorful balloons in honor of our rainbow baby on the way. As my belly grew, I would take pictures monthly. It felt good to see my body changing. My husband and I liked celebrating major appointments, like the 20 week anatomy scan, with a special lunch. I would allow myself to feel scared, because sometimes that’s a tough emotion to push past, but I would also allow myself to feel happy that week by week our baby was thriving.
You May Feel Guilt
I was 16 weeks pregnant with my son around Christmas time. One night we were hanging ornaments on the tree and I remember feeling such an intense sadness over the loss of our first baby. If we hadn’t lost her, she would’ve been born the following month. I was so overwhelmed with excitement for our son on the way, mixed with the chaos of the holidays, that I felt I wasn’t thinking of her memory enough. I felt such extreme guilt for feeling so happy. It’s okay to feel sad over the baby you lost and happy for the baby you’re carrying. It’s okay to miss the baby you lost while connecting to the baby growing inside of you. It’s okay to feel all of these emotions at once. It’s okay, mama.
People Can Be Hurtful
I shared the news of my first pregnancy with a lot of people early on. It was extremely difficult having to tell so many people we had miscarried. When we found ourselves pregnant again, I was elated to tell them the good news, but with that came a lot of insensitive comments and questions. I remember someone congratulating me and saying “So this one stuck, huh?!” I was so flabbergasted with what she said, I didn’t even know how to respond.
There is such a stigma around pregnancy loss. Instead of being sympathetic and supportive to a woman who has suffered a loss, people are often extremely ignorant. I can’t tell you how many times I heard things like “It’s good it happened early on” or “Everything happens for a reason”. I even had someone tell me that I wouldn’t have wanted that baby, because something would have been wrong with it. You can ignore their insensitive words, or you can educate the person by telling them those types of responses are hurtful.
Find A Doctor Sympathetic to Your Needs
With pregnancy comes a lot of physical changes, but this process will be emotionally draining as well. In every pregnancy there are basic questions and concerns, but after experiencing a loss, your anxieties may take over. You will need a doctor who understands your need for extra time at each visit, just to calm your fears. Your doctor should be open and understanding to the fact that you may feel like something is off from time to time, and may need to experience a sense of relief by getting into the office quickly. Having a doctor who is supportive of your needs during the entire length of your pregnancy will be essential.
Pregnancy after loss will come with an array of emotions. You’re not alone if one day you feel immense joy, but the next day you’re afraid to plan your baby shower. Allow yourself to mourn, but also allow yourself to feel the joy of pregnancy. Surround yourself with people who will be supportive of your journey. Losing a child will change you, but it will give you strength you never knew existed. I truly believe the child I lost paved the way for our son, and brought him safely to our arms.
