Andrea Brenes As surrogacy becomes more common in society, it is only natural for there to be negative media that surrounds it. With so many movies about surrogacy gone wrong, it’s hard for people not to misconstrue what surrogacy actually is. Take movies like “The Secret Life of a Celebrity Surrogate” or “Baby Mama”, although they may be highly entertaining films to watch, with a glass of wine in hand, they depict outlandish stories that could only happen in a movie and are rarely based on true facts. Albeit entertaining, they shed a huge negative shadow and create a slew of misconceptions.
Becoming a surrogate, was one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences of my life, aside from becoming a mother myself. As my journey is now over, I have the wonderful memories to look back on and talk about whenever I get the chance. One of the most asked questions I get is, “Wasn’t it hard to give up the baby?” This is the number one misconception that surround surrogacy along with a few others. If you have ever thought about helping grow another family, but have had some reservations, or have watched one of the many movies about crazy surrogate stories, I’m here to break those myths!
#10 I would have to use my own egg to be a surrogate
This may have been the case in “The Secret Life of a Celebrity Surrogate” but rest assured, with gestational surrogacy, the surrogate is not related to the child! Yes, an embryo will be implanted into your uterus, but it won’t be in any way genetically related to you. The intended parent(s) will use their own egg/sperm or that of a donor, to create the little embie.
#9 I’m too old to be a surrogate
So many women think they have “aged out” of being able to help another family. As a gestational carrier however, because there is no genetic relation, your age isn’t as big of a factor. I’m sure you’ve seen the media stories of the 50-year-old mother who carried her grandchild to term. Now, that might be a little over the age limit than usual, but you get the point! Most IVF clinics will work with women who are in the age range of 21 – 42!
#8 I can’t be a surrogate because I’m a single parent
This question always breaks my heart. Single moms can definitely be surrogates! As long as you have support available within your family or community, that is all that matters. Being raised by a single mother, I know personally that single mamas are tough as mud and would make wonderful surrogates.
#7 I have had too many c-sections, so I don’t qualify
As long as you’ve had uncomplicated surgeries and no more than 3 c-sections, you still qualify! Of course, your doctor would need to agree and sign off on you having another surgery, but it doesn’t disqualify you right off the bat.
#6 I’ve experienced infertility myself so I can’t be a surrogate
Infertility alone does not disqualify you. In fact, if you were able to conceive through IVF, you could make a great candidate for surrogacy. I sometimes find that surrogate who have had difficulties themselves to conceive, have more empathy and connect more with intended parent(s) because they know the struggles firsthand.
#5 I have had my tubes tied, so I can’t be a surrogate
Actually, yes you can. Having your tubes tied is not a disqualification because it does not prevent you from carrying a pregnancy! A tubal ligation prevents you from ovulating, and as I mentioned before, you aren’t using your own eggs in this process.
#4 Surrogates only apply because of the compensation
Research shows that the main reason women become surrogates is to bring joy and help a family in need. I speak with women on a daily basis and compensation is rarely their number one driver in making this decision. Is the compensation and added bonus? Absolutely! Compensation was never my top priority, on the contrary, I would have loved to have done it for a friend or family without it. Read my previous article for more on that topic!
However, because I was compensated, I was able to help my family financially. We were able to get out of credit card debt, remodel our backyard and keep some in savings. So many women use this money to better their own futures. Putting down payments on a home, save for college for their kids. What could you do with the compensation?
#3 Surrogacy is “Predatory”
Just recently, my sister posted about my surrogacy journey on a facebook. As usual, there were some negative comments. One in particular really got me, “Paid surrogacy is predatory”. I usually ignore negative comments, but it got me thinking that there must be other people that think that way. When you have movies like “Mimi”, which follows the story of an Indian actress who is paid by an American couple to be their surrogate and they end up leaving her high and dry, it’s hard to not think that these kinds of situations can happen in real life. Leave it to Hollywood to not do their research on surrogacy laws… that wouldn’t make a good story.
When getting into a surrogacy agreement, the surrogate and the intended parent(s) are protected by the legal agreement. The surrogate can’t be forced into any kind of situation, both parties need to agree on what they would be comfortable with. That’s why matching a surrogate with Intended Parent(s) based on personalities, preferences and values is so important.
#2 Surrogate pregnancies are more dangerous than natural pregnancies
Surrogate pregnancies are just as risky as a traditional pregnancy. With that said, no one can ever guarantee that nothing will go wrong. This is why there are guidelines as to who is able to be a surrogate, so that the risks can be cut too as few as possible. The number 1 priority when screening surrogates, is their health, both physically & emotionally.
#1 I could never ever give the baby up
I think this is the one of those misconceptions that is dramatized in so many movies, thank you “Lifetime”. It’s always the same story: couple finds a surrogate, she shows signs of attachment, flash forward she steals the baby, saying it’s hers. This is NOT reality!
Surrogates enter a journey with the full understanding that they are helping someone else grow their family. One of my favorite moments of my journey was when I was finally able to delivery that sweet boy to his parents. From day 1, I knew he wasn’t mine, nor did I have any emotional attachment to him. I see my surro babe as a friend’s baby, I just had the pleasure of baby-sitting him for a few months!
If you do want to see a feel-good movie about surrogacy, that doesn’t dramatize or victimize anyone, watch “Together Together”, it’s fun, insightful, thoughtful & fresh!
Do you have more questions? Are you curious if you qualify?
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