Erica Becker Recently, I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine who is pregnant with her first child. She was reaching out via Facebook asking her fellow mama friends for advice on labor. I quickly replied with everything I could think of. From knowing what to expect whether you’re giving birth vaginally or by c-section, to different techniques to help cope with the pain. She thanked me for how I answered her question with compassion and understanding, rather than pushing her to believe that whatever I suggested was the right thing to do. This got me thinking…sometimes the way we approach new mamas (and even mamas who are expecting again) can be a little harsh. Here are all the things I think you shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman.
“Just you wait…”
If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me…
“You think you’re tired now? Just you wait.”
“You think you’re in pain now? Just you wait.”
“You think you’re busy now? Just you wait.”
I’d be a MILLIONAIRE!
Why is this the way we talk to new mothers? Why is this the way we welcome them to motherhood? I’m sorry, but when you put it that way, it sort of makes me want to cancel my membership to this awful club you speak of. Why aren’t we telling mothers (and fathers) just you wait until your baby smiles at you for the first time. Just you wait until it’s you and your baby in the middle of the night—when the house is quiet and dark, and it feels like you’re the only two people in the world. Just you wait until they’re asleep peacefully in your arms, and you can feel the weight of their tiny body on your chest. Just you wait until you smell their sweet baby breath and hear their tiny coos. Honestly, just you wait until you hear your newborn fart because it’s seriously thrilling. All jokes aside (sort of) just you wait, mama, because this journey to motherhood is total magic.
“Is this your first?”
I think this was my least favorite question during all of my pregnancies. I’ve been pregnant a total of 4 times, and I’ve unfortunately had two miscarriages. I know this question may seem so innocent to many, but it’s heartbreaking when you ask someone who has suffered a loss. It’s either we lie and tell you it’s our first to avoid any awkwardness, or make the situation uncomfortable by telling you that we have a child who is waiting for us in heaven. I know this can be a hard question to avoid. Everyone loves a pregnant woman, and it’s exciting to ask, but think of how painful this question may be to a lot of women.
“Are you having a natural birth?”
This is another question I’ve been asked a million times. Man, I should really start charging people per question.
Please stop making women feel guilty on how they are bringing their unborn child into the world. Please stop telling women what to do with their bodies. If mama is exhausted from the pain and wants an epidural, that is her right to decide. If mama want to do things unmedicated, that is also her right. If you know anything about childbirth, then you know things can change very quickly. If baby needs to be born via c-section to come into this world safely, then you know that’s what mama is going to do. You have no idea the complications a woman may have gone through to get their baby earth side. When I delivered my son, he had something called shoulder dystocia, which is when baby’s shoulder gets caught above the mother’s pubic bone. Sounds fun, right? The thing with shoulder dystocia is that once it happens, it is very likely it will happen again with your next child. My doctor thought it was best that I schedule a c-section for the birth of my daughter, and that’s what I did. It’s hard to let go of the birth you thought you might have. I think we put a lot of pressure on women to do things a certain way, and this in turn can cause a lot of guilt. Whatever way your baby comes into this world, mama, is exactly the way they were supposed to arrive. You. Are. A. Warrior.
Gender Sterotypes
This is what comes after answering what the sex of your baby is.
“Boys are so easy!”
”Oh, you’re going to have your hands full with a girl!”
”Teenage years are rough with a boy/girl!”
It doesn’t matter if you’re having a girl or a boy, every child comes with their own challenges. This beautiful human being you’ve created will come with their very own personality, and big emotions. One is not harder than the other. Parenthood is hard regardless.
“You are so big/small!”
I never understood commenting on a pregnant woman’s bump. Do you comment on Susan’s body from accounting when she’s put on a few pounds? I really hope not. This is no different. Your hormones are raging while pregnant, and commenting on the size of a woman’s bump, whether you think she looks big or small, does nothing but add unnecessary insecurity. While we’re at it, please don’t tell her she looks tired either. The only thing that should come out of your mouth is how amazing she is. She’s growing a human being. What’s your super power?
“Are you going to breastfeed?”
I nursed my son for two years, and I am now nursing my daughter who is almost 7 months old. I absolutely love breastfeeding my babies. I believe it has created such a strong bond between myself and my children, but please do not ask a pregnant woman what she is going to do with HER breasts. You may not know the struggles she had breastfeeding previous children, or sometimes a mama might just want to formula feed. Mama knows best.
Pregnancy is a very exciting time in a woman’s life, but it can also be filled with a lot of hardships. I once read that being pregnant is equivalent to running a 40 week marathon. It is hard both physically and mentally. It’s important for people (especially fellow mamas) to support the pregnant women you may know in your life, rather then instilling fear or just being downright insulting. Let’s welcome women to the joys of motherhood.
